The Opposite of Writers Block

What is the opposite of writers block? That is what I have...so many ideas, so many thoughts. But I wonder if anyone really wants to read it. Its all debbie downer topics...or I feel like they are. Here are some of the things on my mind:

• Friendships...what do you do when you feel a friend slipping away
• Depression, Anxiety, and Bipolar Disorder...oh my
• Death...I've experienced a lot of loss lately and I'm trying to process it
• Raising special needs kids

So all of these thoughts have me almost paralyzed to move forward with writing. I don't want to bum everyone out. But maybe what I need to do is throw it all out there. I don't know.

Another thought hit me today, video blogging. I might give it a whirl. For the last few months I've been watching Jaime Primak Sullivan video blogs and she is amazing. Jump over there and check it out https://www.facebook.com/jaimeprimaksullivan/

On a positive note...some things that make me happy this week
Skinny Sticks - oh my gosh these things are amazing, they taste like Cheetos without the cheesy coating

I'm reading the book Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari. Its funny and educational. http://book.azizansari.com/ I'm also reading the book The Widows Guide to Sex and Dating, its a fluffy read that has me giggling  http://www.caroleradziwill.com/

finally...

The website www.jane.com I go there daily and buy things on there more often than I should (just ask my husband. My latest purchase is this -  hello its a California hoodie. The motherland calls me.

 

Have an awesome weekend. Its cold as balls in Illinois...so I will be hibernating.

 

 

Again?

Blogging...I'm starting again.

A lot has changed in my life since I last blogged.

First...we got a dog. His name is Dipper and he is a super rad boston terrier. I never believed people when they would tell me how much they love their dog. This dog has honestly changed my life for the better, he is just a ball of unconditional love. Also he likes to lick my face.

Secondly...I have a new job. I have zero intention of talking about my job on this blog. We all know the story of Dooce let it be a lesson to all of us.

The kids are getting huge...this makes me feel old. Soon I will be the mother of a teenager, when did that happen?

 



I'm thinking about writing a book.
I'm thinking about going back to school and getting a degree in Human Resources.
I'm thinking a bourbon and ginger ale would be fabulous right now.
Oh yeah...I've fallen in love with bourbon, thai food, and my awesome neighbors.
I've gained 20 pounds and ive fallen more in love with my husband and I am obsessed with Vanderpump Rules (has Kristen really changed and can Jax really commit) and the band Panic at the Disco!

So...a lot has happened since I last blogged.

Way to Normal

One of my favorite musicians is Ben Folds, he has a CD called Way to Normal. It is one of my favorite. The title references the Town of Normal - where I work and live and where my babies were born. But it is also how I feel about life right now.
Side note: Shortly after I gave birth to Cole I was in a local shop. It was one of those global handicraft stores run by volunteers. I was pushing my stroller around with my stepmom by my side we were enjoying an afternoon together. One of the little old lady volunteers started cooing over my baby and she asked where he was born. I said the name of the hospital (located in Normal IL) and she said "oh you have a Normal baby he-he-he". She thought this was a hilarious play on words. That lady may have jinxed me because my life is far from normal but I think I am on my way.


Life has been moving into a more positive direction lately. I attribute it to a variety of factors.

• Job stability - I love what I do now and I never worry about the expenses or the business shutting down. The weight of responsibility has been lifted off me at my new position - many people way above my pay grade worry about those factors. I go there, I work hard, and then I come home and I never give a second thought to the place.
• Medication - for both me and the kids. Since I started taking Lexapro life is much more manageable and I feel more emotionally stable. I also feel like we have finally found a good combo on Cole for his medication. His rage and anger have greatly diminished. Don't get me wrong, he is still a 10yr old kid who has his moments. But is more grounded and in control of his emotions as well.
• Maturity - both the kids are growing up, we are moving to a new place in our life together. They are slowly maturing and becoming amazing little men. They are smart and funny and special in their own unique ways. I am seeing personal growth in both of them.

This weekend was the best we have had in a long time. We hung out in our jammies, we watched a lot of hockey (way to much for my taste), I made monkey bread. We even managed to go out shopping (to Von Maur no less) without any meltdowns or tears (this is like a Christmas Miracle).


I'm learning some things about myself the last few weeks. First of all I need to stop hiding in my hole, spending time with friends feeds my soul and I need to do it more. Secondly I am learning that I need to be okay with letting go of some things. I've been doing some volunteering for the last two years and those endeavors currently leave me frustrated and unhappy. I think I am ready to let go of them and move on to other things.


Weekends like this give me hope...maybe we are on our way to Normal.

I'm still learning

I remember when I was a child that I thought by 40 I would have life figured out. WRONG! The truth is that I'm still learning how to navigate through life. There are some things that I do feel that I have mastered. Marriage is one of them... I think that I am a pretty good wife and we have a fairly successful marriage. This is the result of years of work, but we are now at a place where it works pretty smoothly. Don't get me wrong, we have our moments. We get grouchy or sick or tired...but generally we have a partnership that we have honed over the years that brings us both happiness. We both want to be in this relationship and we both want it to work. To be married and happy both people have to try to achieve this goal.


Friendship....parenthood...these are things that I have to work at. These two areas of my life I have not mastered, they both bring me grief, and I work on them all the time.


I'm not going to talk about friendship today...I need more time to think about this. But parenthood, I will address this.


Before I had children I thought I was going to be an amazing mother. It was my life goal and dream. But when I actually got my dream, it was nothing like I expected. Here's the thing...we have zero control over who we get and how they are going to be. I had a baby that cried a lot, rarely slept, wanted to be held all the time - high needs for sure. I remember when a friend of mine had a baby a few months after Cole. When she described her child, it sounded nothing like my experience. This was something that bogged me down for years. Everywhere I went I met mothers who were having a common experience that I clearly was not having. This felt polarizing. To be honest...it still does. My experience has been that people who don't have a special needs child can be insensitive and judgmental. I've even had my fair share of issues with family members who love me and my kids. But sometimes what they don't understand can cause turmoil and hurt feelings. I am happy to say that we are all finally in a place where everyone understands and tries. This means the whole world to me.


I am not a perfect mother. I never will be. Daily I am put to the test and many times I fail. That is just life. I use to beat myself up about this but I have realized that this is useless. So everyday I try the very best I can and when I fail, I apologize and forgive myself and I move forward. Because I am still learning.

Searching for answers

Life isn't black and white. Sadly I tend to think this way frequently. The answers aren't always yes or no. Shades of gray...not easy.

Since Cole was born we have known something was different. We didn't know any better, he was our first child.We had a few friends who had babies at the same time and their kids were nothing like Cole. Their babies slept, they cried within reason, hit milestones by the books. Not my son. My son rarely slept, cried often, started talking at 6 months and walked by 9 months. I felt exhausted, frustrated, and confused the first few years of his life. The exhaustion has diminished, but the confusion and frustration remains.

At times he seems magical. He has this glint in his eyes that, a sparkle...it takes your breath away. When he looks at you, its like he is peering into your soul. He has a wisdom beyond his years. He has always asked deep and profound questions. When there is something he wants to understand, he is insatiable until he gets an answers that satisfies him. While he tends to get in his own way, his capacity to love and have empathy is huge.

Early on I started to look for answers, he just wasn't like other kids. I had this book. Its called The Baby Book by Dr. Sears. This book was like our parenting bible. The truth was we had other books, but those books had very definitive developmental guidelines and Cole sure didn't follow anything in those books. The Dr. Sears book brought us some comfort and understanding. He talked a lot about attachment parenting and high touch kids. Attachment parenting worked really well for Cole. Do not for a second think I was one of those hippy moms who breast fed until he was 8 and let him sleep in my bed until he was ready to leave.  I have my limits. But we did let him sleep in our bed until he was around 2. I snuggled and held him as much as he needed. I never let him cry it out (there was no crying it out, it was all crying with no stopping). Even now I snuggle with him in his bed every night and he holds my hand when we sit on the couch together. He just has HIGHER needs than the average person. I really hope his future spouse like excessive affection. Personally I couldn't handle it.

The truth is that I still don't have all the answers to understand him. We visit a psychiatrist and a therapist in search of answers but sometimes I feel like they make the water muddier. The DSM keeps changing its definitions on mental health disorders. I find it frustrating really. DMDD, Bipolar Disorder, on and on and on. Bottom line is that this is forever a gray area in my life and I just need to cope with it and a go with my gut.

Ignorance is bliss?

I have friends who have kids with special needs and their approach is to dive in and research as much as possible. But for me it is different. Sometimes I feel like knowing more is bad for me. I get emotionally overwhelmed by knowing more. I feel like I educate myself to the bare minimum. My head is not in a hole, I am fully aware of what is going on in my home. But sometimes it feels like more than I can handle to have a bunch of information.

Having said all that, I recently picked up a book. The Bipolar Child
It's been depressing to read. But good information. Chris and I have been reading it together and we have so deeply identified with much that is in the book. We are still coming to grips with the fact that Cole is bipolar and that this is forever. I get upset or emotional about it - Cole doesn't understand why. I don't want him to feel bad about being bipolar. It's not his fault and other than not having him, it is not something we could have avoided.

Its been painful over the years watching people struggle with him. When you see the people you love the most get so frustrated or angry with your child, it wounds deeply. I've given up friendships because people did not understand my life or my child. Again this goes back to the walls that I have formed around me and my little family to protect us. It's amazing the lack of compassion some people have. Sometimes it just feels safer to have less people in our life than to be subjected to the judgement of people who just don't understand.

Since his diagnosis, the changes in his medication, therapy - life is smoother than it was before. There is less turmoil at home. Though there are days, but not as many as there use to be. Yesterday was a bad day. An epic battle ensued over folding laundry. He raged for over an hour. I eventually just retreated to my bedroom. I needed a time out. He is like a storm...it eventually passes, but it is miserable while it is happening.

But today he is happy as can be, watching Scooby Doo with his brother while looking at Garfield books.

I feel like I should try a little harder at educating myself and I will within reason. But don't expect me to join a support group or march for the cause.

Glass Half Full

My house is a study in nature versus nurture. I did not realize what a positive disposition I had until I married someone who is pessimistic by nature. It's not his fault - as Lady Gaga would say "baby I was born this way". I will admit that it frustrates me when something happens and he immediately says that our impending doom is near. On the flip side maybe my sunny optimism can be cloying...he has never said as such, but it is possible.

The last few weeks have been rough...so I have decided to be positive in spite of my circumstances. So below is a list of small things that make me happy.

• My pillow...I bought a cervical pillow and it damn near changed my life. It was super cheap and worth every penny. If you sleep on your side, log off your computer and go buy one NOW.
• Candy corn...so yummy. I found s'mores flavored at Target. I sneak it like a drug addict when my kids aren't around. If you want any, the bag is in my underwear drawer.
• Clean sheets...I pull our sheets every Saturday and wash them. Sleeping on clean sheets is the best feeling. I heard somewhere that Oprah's "Staff" wash her sheets every other day - can you imagine?? I wonder if she gets the same level of joy that I do from clean sheets.
• My keurig...how did I ever live without it? Coffee Mate...oh how I love it as well. I remember in my early 20's my friend Rachel and I would get all kinds of flavors and have our own coffee bar at home. Simple pleasures for sure.
• Bravo...The Housewives (all of them except Miami), Jeff Lewis, Million Dollar Listing...to quote Teresa Guidice, "I just love love love".
• Having the windows open at my house. The temperature and breeze has been so lovely the last week. It just makes me happy.

What make you happy right now?